This just wasn't the kind of weekend I wanted to experience. I contacted my ex-girlfriend, Michele, from three decades ago (that sounds better than 30 years, doesn't it?), but that may have been a mistake. It brought out memories, of not the good things, but of how stupid I acted. I had all the good memories, all the time. The love I felt for her, and the love I still feel for her. but I dredged up all the stupid things, as well. Maybe not ALL the stupid things. I'm going to let the Akashic record hold onto them for awhile and try to get by. . . maybe deal with that guilt when it's time to pay the piper. Bless her for being her. She did a great job of growing up, and I'm sorry for all the trouble she had, but I'm more than proud for how she has grown up. May the sun & stars shine upon your life, Michele.
I have an additional complication. I searched for Beth, whom I dated about 3 years earlier than Michele, and found her, just coming back from a year-and-a-half in China! (What an adventure!) But I had been unfaithful to Michele, at one point in our relationship, and my communicating with Beth at this time makes it so bizarre! What is going on? Is Mercury retrograde? Is Saturn making a square or quincunx aspect to one of my planets, and why am I questioning this with astrology which I gave up over 30 years ago?
Also, I really don't like what I started in my Sangha. Our leader asked what each of us could do to be of benefit to our Sangha. Well, I happened to be the only one to suggest something. I suggested I could try to start a study group, or book club. The response was positive.
But it's been far from smooth sailing.
The communications between the Sangha is driving me nuts. First off, faulty email addresses are making it difficult for everyone to receive information, and when I try to correct the email distribution lists, someone will go right back and start a new thread on an old header. Other people who don't want to be involved with the bookclub, want to be off the bookclub's email list, even though a bookclub email list hadn't been created. Members of the sangha were communicating about the bookclub on the sangha distribution list. Then, when I sent out corrected lists and asked people to be conscious of which list they were using, they ignored what I had written and started the whole screwed up mess over again.
And some people who seemed receptive to the bookclub idea, really don't want to participate. Some would rather have it as a way to get to know others better. And then some really don't want to get to know others better, but want to learn more about the buddhist way of life. Well, maybe I'm one, if not the only one, of the latter.
I hope this week turns out better.
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don't overthink the past, you are who you are, if us exes bring back painful memories, maybe we shouldn't stay in contact. you will always be special, never forget that.
ReplyDeleteThank you, elizabeth. It's neither Beth, nor Michele who are painful, it is my own guilt and feelings of inadequacy. They are both wonderful women, elizabeth, and both have attained hapiness which I could never provide, but I am so happy they've found it. And I'm sure it isn't the last hapiness they will see.
ReplyDeleteI see the pain more as coming from me. This is part of dukkha. What is uncomfortable is the pain I feel from guilt feelings and a sorrow that I could never have helped them reach that happiness. And that can be envy, as well as a lack of esteem.
It's definitely something I need to work on in this life.
how can you say you never helped us? how do you know that you were not the spark that set us on the path to our destiny. more on this later, i'm feeling like some of these issues are still not resolved within myself, and wonder why today i feel like the shitty one.
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